billet-doux

thunderpopcola: There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city...

Sun, 19 May 2013 01:48:37 -0400

There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and a three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic. Live. Live. Live. Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

This made me tear up. It’s like every word was written for me.

Throwback! Miss you Circle!! :(

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:35:48 -0400

Throwback! Miss you Circle!! :(

The problem with me is that I'm too wrapped up in the past and anticipating the future.

Fri, 17 May 2013 11:31:47 -0400

I let the present slip away because I’m mentally never there.

I need to focus on what’s now. My family, who has only a few weeks left here in Manila with me. Boracay on the 19th. School starting on June 3rd. TOMCAT duties.

I need to live my life. No more overthinking.

"You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 12:40:09 -0400

“You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love.”

- Callie Torres, ‘The Heart of the Matter’ (via fawun)

glad to see you're finally standing up for yourself and realizing how incredible you are. you are worth it. don't you ever forget that. and anyone who makes you feel otherwise doesn't deserve to be in your life.

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:43:09 -0400

Well, I’ve got people like you to thank for always reminding me. Thank you so much.

Steady my heart by Kari Jobe: "Wish it could be easy, why is life so messy? Why is pain a part of us? There are days I feel like, nothing ever goes right- Sometimes it just hurts so much. But You're here. You're real. I know I can trust You- Even when it hurts; Even when it's hard; Even when it all just falls apart; I will run to You; 'Cause I know that You are; Lover of my soul, healer of my scars; You steady my heart" Let God steady your heart, Caysee, and everything will fall into place. -j

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:39:38 -0400

Jesus, is this you? When I asked for a message regarding my situation this isnt what I was expecting…..

Kidding aside, thank you kind stranger. :) Thank you so much.

Sunkissed turned sunburn!

Mon, 13 May 2013 03:36:59 -0400

Sunkissed turned sunburn!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Sun, 12 May 2013 05:27:27 -0400

Happy Mother’s Day!

Hello from the beautiful Davao city!

Sat, 11 May 2013 05:15:49 -0400

Hello from the beautiful Davao city!

Can finally use my beach earrings tomorrow! Been waiting for the...

Wed, 08 May 2013 14:09:09 -0400

Can finally use my beach earrings tomorrow! Been waiting for the opportunity for so long

Beach checklist!

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:57:47 -0400

Beach mat
Summer read
Sunscreen
Summer playlist
At least 3 bikinis
Camera
At least 3 sunnies
Floppy hat

Yup, all set for tomorrow!

Dear you,

Wed, 08 May 2013 13:17:00 -0400

You hurt me so bad, in so many ways, so many times. I hate how this is so easy for you. I hate how this is so hard for me. I hate you for finding it in you to like other girls when just a few weeks ago you made it seem like you wanted me. I hate how you reel me in when you’re lonely, make me feel loved, and then put me aside when you’re done. I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate you. I hate you for instilling so much hate in me. I hate all your promises you never saw through. I hate you for making me feel this way, like I’m not good enough. I hate how much I love you and how I can’t seem to feel anything else or feel for anyone else but you. I hate you. I hate your mood swings and how I should be the one to adjust to them. I hate how you always keep me guessing and leaving me in the dark. I hate how you leave me hanging. I hate how I’ve been through every possible heartbreak with you. I hate how I always welcomed you in when you wanted to come back. I hate you. I hate how you said that you “fucking hate the physical attachment” when in fact you were the one who asked me to come see you that night your family went away and you were left behind because you had summer classes. I hate you because you’re just so insensitive sometimes. I hate how you never forgave me for that one mistake. I hate how I was just the consolation prize for not being able to get her because she didn’t chose you. I hate how I took it all, even though I knew the truth. I hate how I still gave you what you wanted, even if I wasn’t the girl you wanted it from. I hate how insecure I felt about her when she had such awful grammar. She thought ‘dutch’ was the spelling for ‘douche’ for Christ’s sake. Take note, and I quote, “..that guy is an dutch.” AN dutch. Will you just slap me in the face? It’ll hurt a lot less than that phrase.

I wish I never met you. I’ve never regretted you before, but now I think I just might. I always think that you’ve taken everything from me, but you always find a way to take some more.

But no more. I’m done. It still hurts, but I’ll get through this. I will. Even if it’s the last thing I do. I will get over you. I will be happy. I will find someone else, someone who’ll want all of me and nothing more. Even all the baggage you’ve caused me to carry. Someday I’ll forget you and how I feel about you. Someday I’ll fall in love again. And it’s not going to hurt as much as this did. It’s not going to destroy me. Someday.

Photo

Tue, 07 May 2013 10:52:15 -0400

My dad and I had a falling out years ago. It started when they found out I had a boyfriend. He never...

Mon, 06 May 2013 13:21:02 -0400

My dad and I had a falling out years ago. It started when they found out I had a boyfriend. He never trusted me again after that. In fact, he never saw me the same way.

I used to be a daddy’s girl. I was the one he took to basketball games, I was the one he’d take with him when he had out of town work, I was the one who he enrolled to basketball camp. My brother wasn’t very sporty so in a way I was his favorite.

But then things changed. I wanted to grow up and thought I wanted to have a boyfriend. I chose having a boy when I already had a man who loved me more than anything.

We just stopped talking. Small talk, sure. But only when we had to. We were strangers.

I always hated myself for that. I always wished I’d done things differently. But it was too late. I was starting my own life, living semi-independently here in Manila with 2 more years of college left until I enter the real world.

But this summer my dad has been trying to reconnect with me. He’s been talking to me more. I’d sit shot gun while he drove and we’d sing along to Eraserheads. We even shared a beer once.

Today he came home with 2 tickets to the Philippine Gilas game. I swear it made my heart melt. This was our first basketball game in years.

He took me to an early dinner and we watched the game. At first it was awkward with a lot of dead air, but eventually we warmed up. Especially when we talked basketball. I’m glad we did this. This made me happy.

Funny how the loss of the boy I love lead to having back the man who loved me more.

Look what I found! My two Valentine’s day dates. I miss...

Mon, 06 May 2013 12:39:20 -0400

Look what I found! My two Valentine’s day dates. I miss you both so much :( hay, hs days <3

Throwback!! Found high school class pictures, prom pics, and my...

Mon, 06 May 2013 12:32:18 -0400

Throwback!! Found high school class pictures, prom pics, and my old The Link ID!! I miss you PSD! :( #Throwback #Nostalgic

So it goes like this. I just finished watching Pretty in Pink...

Sun, 05 May 2013 14:59:15 -0400

So it goes like this. I just finished watching Pretty in Pink and I’m cozy-ing up on my bed ready to read my book before bed when my dad suddenly blurts out that he’s craving bulalo. My dad and my sister’s boyfriend have just finished their drinking session and now he’s hungry. So we sneak out the house at 2am for bulalo and tapsi and here is what our spontaneity baby looks like.

I love moments like this.

What is/are your favorite book(s)? Books that you wouldn't mind reading more than twice? Book that you can definitely say changed your life?

Sat, 04 May 2013 12:40:23 -0400

Fave books: Harry Potter and Percy Jackson series, Looking For Alaska, Between Shades of Gray

Books I wouldn’t mind reading more than twice: HP series (because I have), LFA prolly. I don’t like reading books more than twice though. It doesn’t feel right. HP is an exception.

Book that changed my life: I’ve yet to find it.

My childhood! I had them all you know. I even had the clow book...

Sat, 04 May 2013 12:36:21 -0400

My childhood! I had them all you know. I even had the clow book and a plush keroberos and her staff. I still cry when I watch the last movie’s ending. And how it was never followed :(

20 Questions. Band Themed

Sat, 04 May 2013 12:35:07 -0400

Fall Out Boy: Biggest disappointment
All Time Low: Someone of the same sex you are attracted to
Panic! at the Disco: Top 3 favorite songs.
Avenged Sevenfold: Has a band's fanbase ever turned you off of the band?
My Chemical Romance: Top 3 favorite albums
Cobra Starship: Favorite band member from any band
The Academy is...:One band you find annoying
Aiden: Who is your fashion icon?
Alexisonfire: If you could reunite one band what would it be?
Paramore: Least favorite song by your favorite band?
Saosin: Favorite song by your favorite band?
Of Mice and Men: If you could steal one tattoo from one band member what would it be?
Pierce the Veil: Have you ever met anyone famous?
Dance Gavin Dance: If you could only listen to one band forever what would it be?
Taking Back Sunday: Name one band you wish you could see live but haven't yet
Blood On The Dance Floor: Name one overrated band
Sleeping With Sirens: Name one underrated band.
The Used: What was the first song or album you heard from your favorite band?
Placebo: If you could choose three bands to play on the radio more often, which would you choose?
Blink 182: How do you feel about music pirating?

Please humor me guys :(